Day One Thoughts

+ I need a cigarette.

+ I really don't want to go out with the dog.

+ Lazy, lazy, lazy!.

+ No normal Japanese guys in the VF. >.<

+ Aishiteru, One Ok Rock!.

+ I crashed down last night, and cried a bit.
Why?. I don't have answers to that.

+ I'm not an emo nor a crybaby, arigatou gozimasou.
Just the stress at home isn't doing anything good.

+ I miss my twin flame.
This is the main reason, why I shed tears after all.

+ There is a lot of sorrow inside of me,
but I rarely show it out or let others see it.

+ I have understood, that the wish to live have finally
overpowered my wish to die. When this happened,
I don't know. Though, I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, as of yet.

+ "There's nothing more to bleed, my heart can't take this anymore".

+ I miss her.

+ Would you believe in yourself, when anyone else doesn't?.

+ Blogger pisses me off, as well.

+ The damn nerveinfection is spreading its roots onto my shoulder too.
Hitting its claws in and refuses to let go.

+ Fuck it.

+ I wan't to scream. Really loud. Just for once,
but then again, I figure if I would get addicted.

+ today I push things on and on, refusing to do them.
I tell myself all these excuses, but this is all just a foolish game.

+ "She's hurt. Mentally and emotionally. But everyday,

she walks outside with a smile on her face, because
that's just who she is; the girl who never stopped smiling."

+ The only person holding myself back is me...

+ Today is the day, when I feel like curling myself under
all these blankets and close my eyes, to drift off and
never look back. At least not today.

+ Hot tea gets warm so fast. I want the hotness last
as long as I am finished with it!.

+ I startle way too many times during one day.

+ Someone squeezes my heart together. It hurts.
Is there any way to breathe?. Just breathe...

+ It is so strange, how people act out,
brake their promises and fuck our asses,
act like they haven't done anything, and then are surprised,
when we don't ask them out anymore, when we stop talking to them
and why they loose friends.

+ Just discovered, that it is snowing outside.
On 17:45pm.
It is somehow comforting.

+ I am sorry for being an asshole from time to time.
I mean it. It is a huge part of me, that I need to work with.

+ I want cigarettes in a can.
Just like they have in Asian countries. -pout-

+ I think... that I might start recording my voice,
in English, of course, and then make vocal blog entries.
Yush. It is a good idea!.

+ I don't understand, how people can think of me so highly.
I am nothing special, btw. For sure, I am different... but not special.

+ Skipping through my VF journal, I found something that still worries me. My grandfather's lungcancer. I don't even know him, and yet we are biologically connected. Whom he is?. I don't know.

Nee Liar

A lot happened during the time, when I didn't post here. I fell in love, confessed it and few days later found myself, torned apart, lying in my own blood.

I haven't recovered fully, but it is okay. We all need to crash and burn from time to time, to understand ourselves a bit better.

Yet... it doesn't make me more open now, and I still miss her a lot. >.<
Indeed, I fell over heels into a female, whom is one of the most amazing person's I have ever met in my life, and I guarantee, that I have met so many of them.

Even though, she doesn't see nor believe it herself. Understandable. She comes from entirely different area and society. I just... want to ease her burden. Carry it on my own, even though my own has gotten rather heavy lately, as I can possibly speak to one or two people, what is going on inside of me. I just can't... I can't open up to people anymore, with all that prize that I have payed lately.

It makes me think, why I don't even learn?. Which means that... I should have learned by now, that opening up to someone means eventually pushing away and braking not only me, but the person him/herself as well. Then people wander, why I am so blunt, cold and emotionless. The fact is that... I just can't, I can't talk about what is going inside of me. Talking about these things is great pain in the ass, and I better don't. I have hard time finding my words, anyhow. When I try, I stumble against the ground and fall every time so hard, that it is miracle, I dare to get up again and move on.

But I have to.
I have to keep fighting for my own survivial.

Even, when there's nothing left to bleed...