Thought to try out to put my own small miracles,
experiences, loves and so on on these things as well.
Qoutes and so on.
I am sure, there are many people, whom experience same or similar things.
<33
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Truth
...and she filled her head with
poems and short stories so that
her own thoughts couldn't get to her...
Monday, March 14, 2011
Did I Forgot Again?.
I slept in today. Or more like got lost in my own mind and thoughts, so I made the clock ring on hour or more later. Lucky, that the human race has invented things to prevent a disaster. Just like phones and kindness, understanding goes in that line as well.
Feeling so cold. Needing some sleep. Drowning into mellow tunes of Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Eating frozen cranberries with sugar.
Praying.
Praying for all these nations, whom are hit by the earthquackes and tsunami. Including Japan. My swwet, lovely, dear Nihon. <33
When some people would think something like this :: "I am glad I am on the eastern side of the world." This is being shelfish. Yes, I understand, where they are coming from and that they like to have themselves and their loved ones safe, but for fuck sake, think wider!.
My only thought was and have been :: "I am sad that I am here and not there!."
+ + +
If it only would get easier, but it doesn't. I constantly keep discovering, if I am looking for our dear pup to pet or greet, that he is not with us anymore. It has only been around fove to four days, since he left us and went to the other side. I actually saw it. He toldme goodbye a night or two before thursday. Realized it way later.
This isn't making things easier overall. I miss Him. I miss Him so much that it makes me brake inside.
Survival.
Somehow.
As usually.
Even if I don't want to.
Even if I want to give up, the will to go on is stronger.
Dazing off has become every day, every hour, every minute thing. Forgetting things, people, faces, names, situations has become something ordinary. These complications are my own, and they scared me at first. Now. Now they are me as I am them.
Feeling so cold. Needing some sleep. Drowning into mellow tunes of Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Eating frozen cranberries with sugar.
Praying.
Praying for all these nations, whom are hit by the earthquackes and tsunami. Including Japan. My swwet, lovely, dear Nihon. <33
When some people would think something like this :: "I am glad I am on the eastern side of the world." This is being shelfish. Yes, I understand, where they are coming from and that they like to have themselves and their loved ones safe, but for fuck sake, think wider!.
My only thought was and have been :: "I am sad that I am here and not there!."
+ + +
If it only would get easier, but it doesn't. I constantly keep discovering, if I am looking for our dear pup to pet or greet, that he is not with us anymore. It has only been around fove to four days, since he left us and went to the other side. I actually saw it. He toldme goodbye a night or two before thursday. Realized it way later.
This isn't making things easier overall. I miss Him. I miss Him so much that it makes me brake inside.
Survival.
Somehow.
As usually.
Even if I don't want to.
Even if I want to give up, the will to go on is stronger.
Dazing off has become every day, every hour, every minute thing. Forgetting things, people, faces, names, situations has become something ordinary. These complications are my own, and they scared me at first. Now. Now they are me as I am them.
I forgot again.
Chuck, Steal My shoes!.
I used to live by that qoute.
Though, there were a lot more aspirins and drinks in this game.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Day One Thoughts
+ I need a cigarette.
+ I really don't want to go out with the dog.
+ Lazy, lazy, lazy!.
+ No normal Japanese guys in the VF. >.<
+ Aishiteru, One Ok Rock!.
+ I crashed down last night, and cried a bit.
Why?. I don't have answers to that.
+ I'm not an emo nor a crybaby, arigatou gozimasou.
Just the stress at home isn't doing anything good.
+ I miss my twin flame.
This is the main reason, why I shed tears after all.
+ There is a lot of sorrow inside of me,
but I rarely show it out or let others see it.
+ I have understood, that the wish to live have finally
overpowered my wish to die. When this happened,
I don't know. Though, I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, as of yet.
+ "There's nothing more to bleed, my heart can't take this anymore".
+ I miss her.
+ Would you believe in yourself, when anyone else doesn't?.
+ Blogger pisses me off, as well.
+ The damn nerveinfection is spreading its roots onto my shoulder too.
Hitting its claws in and refuses to let go.
+ Fuck it.
+ I wan't to scream. Really loud. Just for once,
but then again, I figure if I would get addicted.
+ today I push things on and on, refusing to do them.
I tell myself all these excuses, but this is all just a foolish game.
+ "She's hurt. Mentally and emotionally. But everyday,
+ I really don't want to go out with the dog.
+ Lazy, lazy, lazy!.
+ No normal Japanese guys in the VF. >.<
+ Aishiteru, One Ok Rock!.
+ I crashed down last night, and cried a bit.
Why?. I don't have answers to that.
+ I'm not an emo nor a crybaby, arigatou gozimasou.
Just the stress at home isn't doing anything good.
+ I miss my twin flame.
This is the main reason, why I shed tears after all.
+ There is a lot of sorrow inside of me,
but I rarely show it out or let others see it.
+ I have understood, that the wish to live have finally
overpowered my wish to die. When this happened,
I don't know. Though, I'm not quite sure how to feel about this, as of yet.
+ "There's nothing more to bleed, my heart can't take this anymore".
+ I miss her.
+ Would you believe in yourself, when anyone else doesn't?.
+ Blogger pisses me off, as well.
+ The damn nerveinfection is spreading its roots onto my shoulder too.
Hitting its claws in and refuses to let go.
+ Fuck it.
+ I wan't to scream. Really loud. Just for once,
but then again, I figure if I would get addicted.
+ today I push things on and on, refusing to do them.
I tell myself all these excuses, but this is all just a foolish game.
+ "She's hurt. Mentally and emotionally. But everyday,
she walks outside with a smile on her face, because
that's just who she is; the girl who never stopped smiling."
+ The only person holding myself back is me...
+ Today is the day, when I feel like curling myself under
all these blankets and close my eyes, to drift off and
never look back. At least not today.
+ Hot tea gets warm so fast. I want the hotness last
as long as I am finished with it!.
+ I startle way too many times during one day.
+ Someone squeezes my heart together. It hurts.
Is there any way to breathe?. Just breathe...
+ It is so strange, how people act out,
brake their promises and fuck our asses,
act like they haven't done anything, and then are surprised,
when we don't ask them out anymore, when we stop talking to them
and why they loose friends.
+ Just discovered, that it is snowing outside.
On 17:45pm.
It is somehow comforting.
+ I am sorry for being an asshole from time to time.
I mean it. It is a huge part of me, that I need to work with.
+ I want cigarettes in a can.
Just like they have in Asian countries. -pout-
+ I think... that I might start recording my voice,
in English, of course, and then make vocal blog entries.
Yush. It is a good idea!.
+ I don't understand, how people can think of me so highly.
I am nothing special, btw. For sure, I am different... but not special.
+ Skipping through my VF journal, I found something that still worries me. My grandfather's lungcancer. I don't even know him, and yet we are biologically connected. Whom he is?. I don't know.
that's just who she is; the girl who never stopped smiling."
+ The only person holding myself back is me...
+ Today is the day, when I feel like curling myself under
all these blankets and close my eyes, to drift off and
never look back. At least not today.
+ Hot tea gets warm so fast. I want the hotness last
as long as I am finished with it!.
+ I startle way too many times during one day.
+ Someone squeezes my heart together. It hurts.
Is there any way to breathe?. Just breathe...
+ It is so strange, how people act out,
brake their promises and fuck our asses,
act like they haven't done anything, and then are surprised,
when we don't ask them out anymore, when we stop talking to them
and why they loose friends.
+ Just discovered, that it is snowing outside.
On 17:45pm.
It is somehow comforting.
+ I am sorry for being an asshole from time to time.
I mean it. It is a huge part of me, that I need to work with.
+ I want cigarettes in a can.
Just like they have in Asian countries. -pout-
+ I think... that I might start recording my voice,
in English, of course, and then make vocal blog entries.
Yush. It is a good idea!.
+ I don't understand, how people can think of me so highly.
I am nothing special, btw. For sure, I am different... but not special.
+ Skipping through my VF journal, I found something that still worries me. My grandfather's lungcancer. I don't even know him, and yet we are biologically connected. Whom he is?. I don't know.
A Familiar Taste of August
This has been a long time, when I wasn't able to write anything beside
roleplay posts.
But on that day, I felt that I can.
Write more.
Inspired by Trent Reznor's music.
Donnie Darko and other great movies.
Science-fiction.
Ray Bradbury stories.
Life itself, and threats of death.
I present you what I have manage to put down already.
Deeply mysterious, futuristic, artistic, postmodernistic piece of wordart.
Please, give me a honest opinion.
But I warn... This is for those, whom understand Donnie Darko.
The light was flickering, the bulb threatening to leave all the waiting people in the darkness, which was closing in from surrounding city. There wasn't many of them there, just a palmfull of souls, standing under lonely umbrellas in the night.
Fog rose, while the rain beated against the summer warm asphalt. It rose from the depths of secrets and unknown knowledge, which threatened all of these people, tossed together by fate.
Will they know?.
Will they?.
+++
A Familiar Taste of August
"Oh, c'mon... that freakin' ol' machine is late again. I will never get there in time," a young female, in early 20's, looked at her watch and tamped left nose of the heeled shoe against the ground. Standing within few meters away from other six, the magnificent old oak offered her enough shade from that acid rain, that seemed never stop in these days.
Megu tucked her nose up and peeked into the skies. There was rarely any stars to be seen, but bright transparent teal planet never left the horizon, no matter how thick the clouds were. She sighed, pulling her fragile body back and slid some of those long hair behind her ear under the hood.
She rose the right hand, and played those long, reumatic thin fingers through the murky fog, leaving behind clean spaces of air, which were lazily filled pretty soon after this. The girl was so caught into this little fiddle, that she never noticed a car stop beside her, the droplets of water beating against the rusty roof and echoing through the sceleton of scenery, empty, yet filled with corpses of factories.
"Get in, Megumi."
A voice, who dared to command the Commander.
The hand stopped. Fingers slowly faded from their movements. The figure under the leafage almost trembled like the noise on the old screens.
Screetching. Abatement. Supression. Understatement.
Who?.
She rose her eyes, and stared in from the rolled down window. It was an automobile, from the ancient times, not a floater, like most people rode within these days; and yet... it somehow suited more into this perspective than any other machinery.
Its black skin had dots of corrosion, spreading all over like a disease of humanity gone lost. The bottom was lit, and its warmth spread its roots through the thickening haze.
"Why?."
A question. A stare. Eyelash palpitation. So faint...
"If you don't, you will miss it. 345-B is not going to come today."
Fact, which will win over all prudent moths in the night, saving them from falling into the dust. Certanly, Megumi had no chance to spend the rest of the time under that lifeless tree. A mere mannequin, for those, who valued past above the present. Tecnology to photosynthese, grow through the seasons, that didn't have their former meaning.
She knew it. She was needed.
They were waiting.
++++
Rest of this is in the process...
roleplay posts.
But on that day, I felt that I can.
Write more.
Inspired by Trent Reznor's music.
Donnie Darko and other great movies.
Science-fiction.
Ray Bradbury stories.
Life itself, and threats of death.
I present you what I have manage to put down already.
Deeply mysterious, futuristic, artistic, postmodernistic piece of wordart.
Please, give me a honest opinion.
But I warn... This is for those, whom understand Donnie Darko.
The light was flickering, the bulb threatening to leave all the waiting people in the darkness, which was closing in from surrounding city. There wasn't many of them there, just a palmfull of souls, standing under lonely umbrellas in the night.
Fog rose, while the rain beated against the summer warm asphalt. It rose from the depths of secrets and unknown knowledge, which threatened all of these people, tossed together by fate.
Will they know?.
Will they?.
+++
A Familiar Taste of August
"Oh, c'mon... that freakin' ol' machine is late again. I will never get there in time," a young female, in early 20's, looked at her watch and tamped left nose of the heeled shoe against the ground. Standing within few meters away from other six, the magnificent old oak offered her enough shade from that acid rain, that seemed never stop in these days.
Megu tucked her nose up and peeked into the skies. There was rarely any stars to be seen, but bright transparent teal planet never left the horizon, no matter how thick the clouds were. She sighed, pulling her fragile body back and slid some of those long hair behind her ear under the hood.
She rose the right hand, and played those long, reumatic thin fingers through the murky fog, leaving behind clean spaces of air, which were lazily filled pretty soon after this. The girl was so caught into this little fiddle, that she never noticed a car stop beside her, the droplets of water beating against the rusty roof and echoing through the sceleton of scenery, empty, yet filled with corpses of factories.
"Get in, Megumi."
A voice, who dared to command the Commander.
The hand stopped. Fingers slowly faded from their movements. The figure under the leafage almost trembled like the noise on the old screens.
Screetching. Abatement. Supression. Understatement.
Who?.
She rose her eyes, and stared in from the rolled down window. It was an automobile, from the ancient times, not a floater, like most people rode within these days; and yet... it somehow suited more into this perspective than any other machinery.
Its black skin had dots of corrosion, spreading all over like a disease of humanity gone lost. The bottom was lit, and its warmth spread its roots through the thickening haze.
"Why?."
A question. A stare. Eyelash palpitation. So faint...
"If you don't, you will miss it. 345-B is not going to come today."
Fact, which will win over all prudent moths in the night, saving them from falling into the dust. Certanly, Megumi had no chance to spend the rest of the time under that lifeless tree. A mere mannequin, for those, who valued past above the present. Tecnology to photosynthese, grow through the seasons, that didn't have their former meaning.
She knew it. She was needed.
They were waiting.
++++
Rest of this is in the process...
Izanagi :: Change of Style
Izanagi is one of my RolePlay characters and I adoooore him!.
This is one of his flashbacks, written by me, Hitomi Nanami!.
He is created with good friend of mine, Doki Doki Neechan, Shelby!.
He is created with good friend of mine, Doki Doki Neechan, Shelby!.
+ + +
When he and the other slaves were ripped off from Miyazaki Clan, the other Noble families had no idea, how the Ancient Samurai was connected to them, as Izanagi started rebellion against their ruling, thus broke free, partly given this freedom for him, with understanding that he shall leave the new "Masters" soon enough anyhow.
For a while, he lived in Tokyo, singing in a band of his own and making music, though mostly in the underground and for his own satisfaction. These were the times, when the man's clothing style started to take drastical turns. Former classical Victorian styled suits and kimonos were left behind, when he discovered Rock'n'roll and Metal music for himself, starting to wear leather, black and white colors, loose ties, army boots, jeans.
Shinochy [good friend & ex-bandmate, drummer] ::
I met Iza-san in one of the underground clubs, drinking sake like it was lemonade and smoking pack after the pack. From that time his figure got stuck in my head, and he basically saved my butt from getting trashed by local gangs. Dude had nowhere to stay, so I took him into my small apartement, which I shared with two other guys from Ivory. Man, he never smiled nor laughed, but we all were drawn to him. Strange guy that Izanagi is, but he was loyal and became like a father to us, even though he never revealed his true background and simply said that he is nothing that we figure him to be. (laughs) They were the best memories with him, and one hell of a good bandmate, friend and muscician.
Miky [ex-bandmate, bass & vocals] ::
Izzie is one damn crazy man, that I can say!. Serious and egy, yet man to count on. He took our band out of the hell, and made something with it that our dead singer never managed. Get fame, just after he left.
Venom [ex-bandmate, lead guitar] ::
(chuckles) I never really understood this man, I bet neither of us did. Tho Izzie became the spine of our group, Ivory, rather quick. His ways to tear the core apart and then put all together again was magnificent. God damn, this man was saving our butts out in so right time. (a moment of pause) Sad, that he is gone. Got used to his Fatherly commanding and as a strange friend, though Shinochy got along him the best.
Sidenotes ::
Izanagi became the member of Ivory, before known as Shotguns & Bullets, shortly after moving in with the rest of the band. He was the second guitarist and vocalist.
Ivory's former member Edoh died because of the overdose.
For a while, he lived in Tokyo, singing in a band of his own and making music, though mostly in the underground and for his own satisfaction. These were the times, when the man's clothing style started to take drastical turns. Former classical Victorian styled suits and kimonos were left behind, when he discovered Rock'n'roll and Metal music for himself, starting to wear leather, black and white colors, loose ties, army boots, jeans.
Shinochy [good friend & ex-bandmate, drummer] ::
I met Iza-san in one of the underground clubs, drinking sake like it was lemonade and smoking pack after the pack. From that time his figure got stuck in my head, and he basically saved my butt from getting trashed by local gangs. Dude had nowhere to stay, so I took him into my small apartement, which I shared with two other guys from Ivory. Man, he never smiled nor laughed, but we all were drawn to him. Strange guy that Izanagi is, but he was loyal and became like a father to us, even though he never revealed his true background and simply said that he is nothing that we figure him to be. (laughs) They were the best memories with him, and one hell of a good bandmate, friend and muscician.
Miky [ex-bandmate, bass & vocals] ::
Izzie is one damn crazy man, that I can say!. Serious and egy, yet man to count on. He took our band out of the hell, and made something with it that our dead singer never managed. Get fame, just after he left.
Venom [ex-bandmate, lead guitar] ::
(chuckles) I never really understood this man, I bet neither of us did. Tho Izzie became the spine of our group, Ivory, rather quick. His ways to tear the core apart and then put all together again was magnificent. God damn, this man was saving our butts out in so right time. (a moment of pause) Sad, that he is gone. Got used to his Fatherly commanding and as a strange friend, though Shinochy got along him the best.
Sidenotes ::
Izanagi became the member of Ivory, before known as Shotguns & Bullets, shortly after moving in with the rest of the band. He was the second guitarist and vocalist.
Ivory's former member Edoh died because of the overdose.
Newest Poems
As I have been away, and not updating the blog, here are my latest poems ::
[Pledge]
Tribute to the GazettE.
The hands catch the light, but it only flees.
Eyes are blindfolded by the hope.
Come home, darling. Come home.
What lies behind these walls?.
What miracles are created,
only to be shattered by sweet deceit?.
She never knew, how he searched
for the sanctuary of this frozen heart.
Caged into the deserted room,
these wings of an angel were torn apart.
Pledging for the freedom,
the puppet of the soul is pushed back down.
They offer no escape,
just the chains of obscure sorrow.
What spreads behind these walls?.
Who seeks for this tainted misfit?.
Come home, darling. Come home.
Rescue me from this imprisonment.
Rescue me from my own hollow fear,
as the tears become cold for tonight.
Eyes are blindfolded by the hope.
Come home, darling. Come home.
What lies behind these walls?.
What miracles are created,
only to be shattered by sweet deceit?.
She never knew, how he searched
for the sanctuary of this frozen heart.
Caged into the deserted room,
these wings of an angel were torn apart.
Pledging for the freedom,
the puppet of the soul is pushed back down.
They offer no escape,
just the chains of obscure sorrow.
What spreads behind these walls?.
Who seeks for this tainted misfit?.
Come home, darling. Come home.
Rescue me from this imprisonment.
Rescue me from my own hollow fear,
as the tears become cold for tonight.
~jcdeepe
Apocalyptic Dance
The city digs deeper into the damp air.
Come. Come closer, little doll.
Red lights blink and play,
tempting you to sell what is left.
Lift the skirt, show the flesh.
This is just meat. A sinful protest.
We are the lovers, we are the rouges.
Metal torniquet insected into our veins.
It is our hell, after world's end.
Destroy all these faces. Smash the bones.
"Come home, God," we cry.
We curse ourselves to the final beat,
line up, trade our decayed lungs.
These mouths are never full,
Grinding teeth of greedy little flies.
For rusted scars and silent wars,
We claim the sunset with the hail,
While the Death takes his sail.
Come. Come closer, little doll.
Red lights blink and play,
tempting you to sell what is left.
Lift the skirt, show the flesh.
This is just meat. A sinful protest.
We are the lovers, we are the rouges.
Metal torniquet insected into our veins.
It is our hell, after world's end.
Destroy all these faces. Smash the bones.
"Come home, God," we cry.
We curse ourselves to the final beat,
line up, trade our decayed lungs.
These mouths are never full,
Grinding teeth of greedy little flies.
For rusted scars and silent wars,
We claim the sunset with the hail,
While the Death takes his sail.
The golden peak sings its last song,
as future flickers its wings in those dead eyes.
He wished for the morning,
but when it arrived
with the freezing sunbeams of the winter,
he knew it had to be the bad choice.
Blue feathers shattered into the dust.
You brought white lillies to his grave,
when every day of the new year begun.
Pour this venom out, child.
Like black disease from thine heart.
It was his choice to go.
The veins are pulsing.
Desperately.
Wait.
Wait....
Thine time isn't here yet, child.
Year after year, until the circle is filled.
Until the next life starts to run.
Inside this bosom,
carrying the son of the singingbird.
as future flickers its wings in those dead eyes.
He wished for the morning,
but when it arrived
with the freezing sunbeams of the winter,
he knew it had to be the bad choice.
Blue feathers shattered into the dust.
You brought white lillies to his grave,
when every day of the new year begun.
Pour this venom out, child.
Like black disease from thine heart.
It was his choice to go.
The veins are pulsing.
Desperately.
Wait.
Wait....
Thine time isn't here yet, child.
Year after year, until the circle is filled.
Until the next life starts to run.
Inside this bosom,
carrying the son of the singingbird.
*hidlight
Gone Gone Gone
The wings you spoiled,
used to be the only enchantment
in the passing of eon.
"Gone, gone, gone,"
the dawn weeped.
& then you left her,
went with the last shuttle.
"What is my name,"
the swallow asked,
spreading its soul
& went with the boy.
"Next Summer, we will meet again!."
echoed your last promise,
uncoiling from her long mane
& turning its cheek towards the tomorrow.
"Gone, gone, gone,"
she whispered, the lips dry.
"The name is Jaqueline,
& I will be a star in your sky."
Yet in the next year,
she never came,
but the air was full of her,
full of the girl,
who bowed down to the death.
Inspiration :: Ray Bradbury stories & AM "5 Centimeters Per Second"
The wings you spoiled,
used to be the only enchantment
in the passing of eon.
"Gone, gone, gone,"
the dawn weeped.
& then you left her,
went with the last shuttle.
"What is my name,"
the swallow asked,
spreading its soul
& went with the boy.
"Next Summer, we will meet again!."
echoed your last promise,
uncoiling from her long mane
& turning its cheek towards the tomorrow.
"Gone, gone, gone,"
she whispered, the lips dry.
"The name is Jaqueline,
& I will be a star in your sky."
Yet in the next year,
she never came,
but the air was full of her,
full of the girl,
who bowed down to the death.
Inspiration :: Ray Bradbury stories & AM "5 Centimeters Per Second"
+ + +
All wordart copyright goes to the Blog Owner.
If you want to use one of these in any way, please contact :: dokidokihitomi@gmail.com
Bestest...
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch
and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away
feeling like itt was the best conversation you ever had.
Nee Liar
A lot happened during the time, when I didn't post here. I fell in love, confessed it and few days later found myself, torned apart, lying in my own blood.
I haven't recovered fully, but it is okay. We all need to crash and burn from time to time, to understand ourselves a bit better.
Yet... it doesn't make me more open now, and I still miss her a lot. >.<
Indeed, I fell over heels into a female, whom is one of the most amazing person's I have ever met in my life, and I guarantee, that I have met so many of them.
Even though, she doesn't see nor believe it herself. Understandable. She comes from entirely different area and society. I just... want to ease her burden. Carry it on my own, even though my own has gotten rather heavy lately, as I can possibly speak to one or two people, what is going on inside of me. I just can't... I can't open up to people anymore, with all that prize that I have payed lately.
It makes me think, why I don't even learn?. Which means that... I should have learned by now, that opening up to someone means eventually pushing away and braking not only me, but the person him/herself as well. Then people wander, why I am so blunt, cold and emotionless. The fact is that... I just can't, I can't talk about what is going inside of me. Talking about these things is great pain in the ass, and I better don't. I have hard time finding my words, anyhow. When I try, I stumble against the ground and fall every time so hard, that it is miracle, I dare to get up again and move on.
But I have to.
I have to keep fighting for my own survivial.
Even, when there's nothing left to bleed...
I haven't recovered fully, but it is okay. We all need to crash and burn from time to time, to understand ourselves a bit better.
Yet... it doesn't make me more open now, and I still miss her a lot. >.<
Indeed, I fell over heels into a female, whom is one of the most amazing person's I have ever met in my life, and I guarantee, that I have met so many of them.
Even though, she doesn't see nor believe it herself. Understandable. She comes from entirely different area and society. I just... want to ease her burden. Carry it on my own, even though my own has gotten rather heavy lately, as I can possibly speak to one or two people, what is going on inside of me. I just can't... I can't open up to people anymore, with all that prize that I have payed lately.
It makes me think, why I don't even learn?. Which means that... I should have learned by now, that opening up to someone means eventually pushing away and braking not only me, but the person him/herself as well. Then people wander, why I am so blunt, cold and emotionless. The fact is that... I just can't, I can't talk about what is going inside of me. Talking about these things is great pain in the ass, and I better don't. I have hard time finding my words, anyhow. When I try, I stumble against the ground and fall every time so hard, that it is miracle, I dare to get up again and move on.
But I have to.
I have to keep fighting for my own survivial.
Even, when there's nothing left to bleed...
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
I was sitting in a small cafeteria next to the bus station. It was so warm in there, and even though I got enough sleep, I was still tired.
16+15 more minutes to wait, then a nap in the 40 minutes of busride to the place that I have never actually called a home. Lately there is so much stress in there, so being somewhere else, I actually sleep well enough to get some kind of rest. It feels peaceful to be away.
I have sat there before several time and long hours, observating people and what was going on outside, behind the glass windows. I swallowed the smell of coffee and cakes, freshly baked and waiting to be bitten.
A strange thing happened before waking up time early in the morning. I snapped up from my dream, and it really felt like I wasn't actually at my friends place, but home. Though soon, luckily, I realized that it was okay. I wasn't in that Hell.
Oh yes, about latest news, I am fully a redhead again, now, and I feel like myself. In the end of the month my friend shall make me a new haircut and even brighter redness.
The air is filled by the echoes and callings of the Spring. It's not far in the coming any more, that much I can say. There might be snow falling from time to time, but it won't hold for a long. The turning mass that we know as a planet Earth, or Gaia as I call Her, has its own plans for us.
Lulz. Damn you, Shelby, to but the idea into my head to come and live with you in LA. I have always dreams of studing & working, living as wrell, in NY, LA or Nihon [Japan].
Now when I have arrived, I learned that the family's pup is ill again. Every time I touch or gently pet it, I feel that cracking dark energy and it is so painful. I don't want to see it in this state, but I have to bare it. For the peaceful mind of my 'parents' and 'brother'. Even if I would try to explain them, why I can't look after it, they won't understand and most likely I won't find any suitable words. When it comes to explaining my inner state of emotional patterns, it is <u>very</u> hard to say what is really going on. I know, but I don't feel like it to tell about this to anyone particularly. Indeed, I write about some of those things in my blogs, but it is atleast one way. Through metaphors or not...
16+15 more minutes to wait, then a nap in the 40 minutes of busride to the place that I have never actually called a home. Lately there is so much stress in there, so being somewhere else, I actually sleep well enough to get some kind of rest. It feels peaceful to be away.
I have sat there before several time and long hours, observating people and what was going on outside, behind the glass windows. I swallowed the smell of coffee and cakes, freshly baked and waiting to be bitten.
A strange thing happened before waking up time early in the morning. I snapped up from my dream, and it really felt like I wasn't actually at my friends place, but home. Though soon, luckily, I realized that it was okay. I wasn't in that Hell.
Oh yes, about latest news, I am fully a redhead again, now, and I feel like myself. In the end of the month my friend shall make me a new haircut and even brighter redness.
The air is filled by the echoes and callings of the Spring. It's not far in the coming any more, that much I can say. There might be snow falling from time to time, but it won't hold for a long. The turning mass that we know as a planet Earth, or Gaia as I call Her, has its own plans for us.
Lulz. Damn you, Shelby, to but the idea into my head to come and live with you in LA. I have always dreams of studing & working, living as wrell, in NY, LA or Nihon [Japan].
Now when I have arrived, I learned that the family's pup is ill again. Every time I touch or gently pet it, I feel that cracking dark energy and it is so painful. I don't want to see it in this state, but I have to bare it. For the peaceful mind of my 'parents' and 'brother'. Even if I would try to explain them, why I can't look after it, they won't understand and most likely I won't find any suitable words. When it comes to explaining my inner state of emotional patterns, it is <u>very</u> hard to say what is really going on. I know, but I don't feel like it to tell about this to anyone particularly. Indeed, I write about some of those things in my blogs, but it is atleast one way. Through metaphors or not...
Very suitable song for me at the moment. Can't get enough.
Though this is my new discovery, through Sheri Nee-chan. ^___^ You were right, I embrace that kind of a style that in this video is. Crazy and stylish at the same time!.
I want those dresses. Pinks and purples. And those shoes!.
*insert melting image here*
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I am tired, yet it was worth it. This week I am barely at home, and this is good. I can't bare to be around here much anymore.
Liisa and I were standing in the bus stop earlier, and the mist was so thick, making the winterair a lot warmer. I felt this urge again. That I need to leave Estonia. It is too... small for me. My dreams and will are way too big for this small country, where the economy is still down and politics are messing up with everything what then nation has left.
Liisa and I were standing in the bus stop earlier, and the mist was so thick, making the winterair a lot warmer. I felt this urge again. That I need to leave Estonia. It is too... small for me. My dreams and will are way too big for this small country, where the economy is still down and politics are messing up with everything what then nation has left.
I have found an ability in myself. I am starting to fall in love with one dear person to me, and she is utterly amazing, though in the other side of the world. It is okay if she never feels the same about me, since I can feel that love about several people at once. At least I can share something special.
*sigh*
So. Tired.
But satsified.
At least I know I will sleep well enough tonight.
'Tis all for today.
Bare with me. (:
Nana.
<33
Monday, January 10, 2011
Random CD Cover Game
1 - Go to wikipedia and hit random. The first random wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to quotationspage.com and hit random. The last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.
3 - Go to flickr and click on “explore the last minute”. Third picture no matter what ......it is, will be your album cover.
4 - Use photoshop or similar (picnik.com is a free online photo editor) to put it all together.
...of the Day :: Monday Parade
Song of the Day
30 Seconds To Mars - Kings & Queens
I just adore it. And it is perfect song for starting this whole little 'project'. Hehe.
The whole album [This Is War] from where this song originates is just amazengh!.
Lyrics that I specially love in here ::
We were the kings and queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the children of a lesser God
/-/
The age of man is over
A darkness comes at dawn
These lessons that we've learned here
Have only just begun
We were the kings and queens of promise
We were the victims of ourselves
Maybe the children of a lesser God
/-/
The age of man is over
A darkness comes at dawn
These lessons that we've learned here
Have only just begun
Quote of the Day
Simply.
True.
Artist of the Day
Favorite Person of the Day
Jude Law.
The Talented Mr. Ripley
A.I. Artificial Intelligence
Cold Mountain
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
A.I. Artificial Intelligence
Cold Mountain
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
Mornings & Art
Morning everyone.
Had barely any sleep, and that too for about... lets say... 2 hours, perhaps?.
Gods, my mind just wouldn't shut down, that was so immense.
But oh well, here I am, checking friends' blogs and finding some cute stuff.
I miss my Tartu people.
And they have had amazing ideas.
This video is taken within 3 to 4 days if I remember correctly.
They rented a room, and put white paper everywhere.
Then lived in there, and painted all over the place.
People could come and go as they pleased!.
I loooove these kind of movies.
And so many familiar faces.
Oh god.
I am glad they are having fun!.
^____^
By the end of the first video, my coffee had gotten cold.
I don't mind. It is good to drink it after such a long time.
Me, who don't drink coffee and prefers tea, or Inka coffeinefreecoffedrink.
With sugar and milk and a sip of water.
At least keeps me falling like a rock into restless dreams.
The videos are from ::
apple-gets-rotten.blogspot.com & Katrin O.
[An aspiring artist that I honor and look up to!.]
Today my road takes outside, fighting with those slippery roads.
Dammit.
It was raining... rain, last night and evening.
Poor bones that are going to get cracked up.
And many other... stuff. Bruises. Oh fun fun time.
Hopefully I can keep my record of this winter, with no falling on my tender butt.
Haha. I would like to see that, to be honest.
Gonna have my own bday party in this weekend.
'Tis gonna be fun. Full of laughter and joy.
What else you could want from this, ne?.
<33
H.
Dammit.
It was raining... rain, last night and evening.
Poor bones that are going to get cracked up.
And many other... stuff. Bruises. Oh fun fun time.
Hopefully I can keep my record of this winter, with no falling on my tender butt.
Haha. I would like to see that, to be honest.
Gonna have my own bday party in this weekend.
'Tis gonna be fun. Full of laughter and joy.
What else you could want from this, ne?.
<33
H.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Family = Suck
Certainly, the attitude around here continues being unpleasant. Have to find something to do, which could take my anger away. Sure, writing is one kind of solution, I just have to bring myself to my art again. It is about a time too, though.
Tehee.
Some more ideas start to grow in my mind.
I haven't done anything so long that it kind of is killing me from inside.
Yet...
Soon you may see some new stuff coming from me.
I shall test with some patterns from Asian culture and art style, and mix them with my own unique style. Just to make it all better!.
+ + +
Gomene, I have to rant. -.-''
I clearly don't understand how a 23 year old young man can act like 12 year old boy. Possibly even younger. He has told many times, don't act like you do. Don't bully your sister, but none. Nada. He still continues to do it.
Why people can't have a resonable mind for once?.
He lives together with 3 more persons and one pup.
Cares more for the dog than the others, which includes making strange noises even when others are in the next room. Loud and sharp. God damn, are you a fucking seal?. Ne?. Asshole.
Tehee.
Some more ideas start to grow in my mind.
I haven't done anything so long that it kind of is killing me from inside.
Yet...
Soon you may see some new stuff coming from me.
I shall test with some patterns from Asian culture and art style, and mix them with my own unique style. Just to make it all better!.
+ + +
Gomene, I have to rant. -.-''
I clearly don't understand how a 23 year old young man can act like 12 year old boy. Possibly even younger. He has told many times, don't act like you do. Don't bully your sister, but none. Nada. He still continues to do it.
Why people can't have a resonable mind for once?.
He lives together with 3 more persons and one pup.
Cares more for the dog than the others, which includes making strange noises even when others are in the next room. Loud and sharp. God damn, are you a fucking seal?. Ne?. Asshole.
He hasn't seen any particular life as well. Mother has made everything for him, so he just... moves no finger. He doesn't know how to cook, only minor things. Eats only things that you can be sure it is nothing new. Like... I know that deep within him is kind, warm and intelligent young man, but the attention he wants, why he has to pick it from me. He knows perfectly well that I am a hermit type, I don't want to speak unless I speak or there is something important.
I. Just. Want. To. Be. In. Peace.
It is not a lot asked, ne?.
Doki
the New Beginning
I needed it.
*sigh*
There is a voice singing inside of me.
It has awoken after such a long time.
I spread my wings.
Wind brushing over the snowwhite feathers.
Feels good, ne.
I try my best to get back to those things that I love.
My art and my writings.
Will learn more Japanese during this year.
On my own, in the beginning, as much as I can.
^___^
Doki
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)